Saturday, 14 July 2018

Clandestine memories of childhood days

I won’t call it maturity nor would I call it experience, I think I have come across all these troubles which shall remain as black dots of memories, hope for the betterment of the future
When I was six, my mother died in an unexpected diseases being needled to her. Five years later, my father mistakenly married to a women of two children, at times of his unfortunate day.
She hated me, though it wasn’t personal, she would have hated any child who wasn’t her own. She was masculine, vehement and real cruel women but her main weapon was emotional abuse. Every single day, no respite. Her energy was remarkable, she had inexhaustible supply of hatred, expended daily, yet burning fiercely for years and years, unstoppable war of attrition: relentless, humiliating, terrorizing, degrading, twisted, trivial.
She destroyed what mattered to me: as I turned thirteen, she hit upon the idea of abolishing a father-daughter relationship and took all glorious belonging on her name. At sixteen, it was a passport which was created for the travel opportunity rendered me to Sri Lanka for the excelling as the best student from my school, out of her jealousy, it was thrown into disposal bin.


This iceberg tip of her loathing was visible to all but because my gentle and kind father chose to ignore it for her own benefit, friends and family were powerless though. For the friends and relatives i was passionately spoiled as the adults tried to compensate her treatment with acts of kindness.
My best friend and I pretended she was a witch, and laughed at her at her back.
Another thing, Nimo, her daughter from her previous relationship, never makes her own breakfast rather than making it she neither makes rightful choice of salt taste. I have made my breakfast, lunch and dinner for as long as I can remember, otherwise must have faced her systematically terrorized harsh beatings.
As a metaphor, The Cinderella law, was just a fantasy story which really happens only in the stories yet was wrongly perceived, it was thrown to my life too as a perfectly apt in my life story. As a story related to my storyline to Cinderella’s, my stepmom too made me wash all those inner pants of her shitty monthly period being dispose of openly in the toilet area with bitterly cold water keeping aside washing machine as it is just to let me do it for her own satisfaction, nimo, was never asked to lift a finger, but I didn’t mind doing house chores, instead it satisfied stepmother’s need to dominate and humiliate me, which meant a brief drop in her anger level.
Her insatiable fury was mentally exhausting, when I was in tenth grade, she said,”I don’t care about you if you don’t qualify for higher studies but don’t expect for study privately” I became a robot. i didn’t respond to taunts. I desensitized myself to being hit, Inside, though, I was defiant, I did excel in what I was studying for which made her veraciously jealous of my excellence.
When every child at my age Acclimatize to their choosy world, I did suffer from depression in my twenties, yet I wasn’t emotionally destroyed because I had my secret supporters.
I was traumatized though, I dissociated from my younger self to this zenith pinnacle of life which was real harder for me to accept yet my father chose to ignore it because I knew he loved and care me, stepmother wasn’t rough in front of him and once she ordered me to use her expensive Tego and kiras but dad’s refusal to acknowledge her treatment of me or that family unity was a charade. Gave me no option but to play my part.
On the surface we were functional family, each day was a mental assault course, trying to minimize the threat, attempting not to nudge her simmering and scowling disapproval into explosive rage. Only at school and college was relax.

When I left the house today, the witch wasn’t there, I am 99 percent sure she would have hit me to the hell had she been there at the zenith of unpacking my baggage and coming out from that dark room.


P.s: Fictional stories

My Fated Twitter Soul

I don't remember a single instance of where I have been so much crazy on someone else, like the way the romantic couple in the Korean drama usually a girl fascinates a guy. But I felt the feeling of fascination for the last couple of months, I know, we don't really know each other at all and whatever this connection is between us will prolly be ruined the moment we have the first real conversation of our own goals and dreams of the life.
definitely, he will be a douchbag or he would have a perception that I am bit weird which would definitely lead us to the different directions of what we have been intended to go for, that's how my interactions with guys usually go. But right now at this moment, knowing nothing about him other than the intensity in his expression in his messages, it allows me to imagine he is perfect, moreover, I think that he is smart and respectful, funny and artistic because he would be all those things if he were the perfect guy. I am content with imaging he possesses these qualities for as long as he is going to stand there in front of me.

The moment back in the month of may or April, The way back to where i tweets in twitter, it suddenly feels like I have swallowed his heart because I have all these extra beats in my chest, he seemed to be so familiar though i don't have friends and families similar to his faces of expression, i have no idea what those features of him mean,we exchanged messages through twitter messenger which is typically old fashioned but i like them,it's so perfect, it feels like the old days in the movies when friends sends message through hotmails and yahoo back then when facebook weren't there.

Saturday, 12 August 2017

Is it necessary to be in relation?

You don’t have to be in a relationship. 
 
But a relationship won’t always make you happy, and as wonderful as romance is, it isn’t the only love that exists. I have seen friendships that are deeper and more pure than couples who swear it’s forever - and yet the friendship is the one people ignore. 
 
I have heard so often “nobody loves me” out of the mouths of people who are single. And it kills me because if you ask them: where are your parents, your teachers, your classmates, your pets - they say, yes, okay, but it doesn’t count. Of course it counts, love doesn’t diminish just because someone doesn’t want to have sex with you. In fact, doesn’t it sort of make that love more real that they want nothing - not even a date - out of you?
 
It is pretty to be in love. It’s magical, I’m sure. But it’s also wonderful to stop for ice cream in your prom dress with six other girls. It’s also wonderful to go visit the world with nothing but a bunch of buddies who are really excited about learning. 
 
The problem is: we’ve made everything about “the one”. But maybe “the one” is just you, loving yourself, having fun, and being happy. Maybe instead of looking for our other halves, we should be piecing ourselves together.
 
Maybe I wasn’t born unfinished. Maybe I am the one who makes myself better.

Wednesday, 2 August 2017

Nonetheless vagabond

we couldnot find a place to live and we were six days removed from  being homeless for the last month of july,we were led to believe that finding a place to live in cyprus would be easy but it was  for lack of word to describe it,terribly hard if you are finding rent for few days,luckily we got one,thanks to Dr.Singay lhendrup,not until then did he help us to find one room to rest for another 8 days would be so hot to get out and search for the room under scorching heat of 43 degree celcius,no breeze---hot,so hot that you can not sleep---hot
terribly hot that you need to peel the fabric of clothes off your salty-drenched and sticky body,almost half cooked barbeque at the end of the day,its seriously hot as sun but i am not sure that does it justice

But with the time passes by,things began to settle down
i can honestly say i have never felt more comfortable with myself before but Cyprus has gave a way  to be more free and relax of who i am,the happiness is palpable here,living on my own,learning more about myself,discovering whats its like to stand on my own,i can feel myself blossoming and thats the most satisfying part of being here..
 i have never failed to make great friendships,i can say that unexpected friendships is the best,and for few i am certain will be for a life,some will be leaving and moving on with their lives but at one time get-go life i shouldnot forget that life is a revolving door,people will always come and go,feelings would change after every secs or hours but i will cherish the limited time i have with the people i am with now,keeping in mind that everyone has their own way to follow,at some point i have to accept the facts that some people in my life will be marathoners and sprinters
this seems to be only the great reel of my experience of friendship thing so far,without counting an ample of experiences and knowledge learned under professionalised professors,its gone nothing like how i expected it would,since its only been nine months eight days and as the days come to a close to be back home,it feels more like a beginning than an end

An idea of going back home leaving the joyful experiences of erasmus life would be real heal hard,and at the moment go i would definitely struggle to accept the facts but at one time i think i will and would miss the life i have spent here for the last nine months 12 days here in cyprus.i think there will be pull to return to this place some years old from the day of now.

It was indeed their warmth,their helpful hands,which crept into my being like theft,snatched my heart forever,well,i am very sure,i think i left the whole damn thing here cux there was saying that wherever you travel,provided you have done it right,you leave a part of heart there,


Thursday, 13 July 2017

Can't Even


obsessed with our own private problems, it is easy for us to forget that for at least million and billion years human beings just like us have been on this planet, undoubtedly wrestling with their own issues of happiness and contentment.

 It should be of no surprise that I still remember the words that were going through my mind up: i thought that Ultimately,life is all about the choices,one's destiny unfolds according to the choices one makes and i felt certain that the choices are on certain individual,though  our body is designed to die, our mind seems to be hardwired to think that we are immortal, and there’s little that we can do to resist that kinda feeling where all the individuals has at the back of their mind and thats how we human being are being circuited with.

Monday, 10 July 2017

Seems to be Forever Goodbye

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”                                                                          ~~~Paulo Coelho

i got some secrets forgot to share you  yet the last episodes are over,i choose forgetting.
when i had nothing more to lose,i loose you.
when i was supposed to be there to listen the following words in your mind,i heard half the sentences,
when i expected to hear the word i was suppose to be heard,you ceased from sharing it 
yet i understood that i was free to choose to be deaf.
 The expectations i had from you though all attired with pain and disappointments in me,the blows that hurt me,
the wrecked dreams and the stillborn love and hopes.

Thank you so much for the illusion that has set something nothingness at the end.
The misfortunes of the past,has no weight on my heart,
i will be capable of loving albeit i am loved in return,of giving,
even when i have nothingness which works well,
in the midst of adversities,
regardless of being completely alone and abandoned,
while i weep,believe me even when no one believes me
and yes its never too late to start over.



Monday, 26 June 2017

Ignorance:Social networks

What i observed so far in me!!!
It was right after dinner,i was so much engaged with phone,so much busy,i didn't bother to spare a minute to chat face to face,much busy to check instagram feeds,very much busy with smart phone,i didnt know why i was so busy,when i realised what i was doing,the phone wasnt used for texting,neither a call to anyone nor chat with anyone,but i was so much engrossed to check on what orher people were doing in their social media which actually a waste of million seconds of life.

In this digital age,i felt that everyone has a huge urge to keep up with other people or need to feel flattered through the affirmation of the virtual likes and compliments from other people,no more the age with toothy grin chit chat to be expected at this generation.

Clandestine memories of childhood days

I won’t call it maturity nor would I call it experience, I think I have come across all these troubles which shall remain as black dots of...