It was a sunny day and the weather was very cool for something i can say for us to eat in one of the restaurants.its been long since we last met at college,decades perhaps.we been working for the different organisations and have been kept busy with our way of life schedules and work life though we are in the same country.
we went on and on conversing on our past memories.
i told her,"i was so lost and felt like running on barefoot on the beach side.i feel so meaningless and hopeless regards to this life,i have been working for the last 3 years and feels like i haven't done anything so worth and meaningful"
" 'huh',why so?
seems some problem with your job life?i didn't get you by the way",she said
i told,"My life has always had a spiritual twist to it ever since I can remember. My family was not religious at all and yet I was drawn to anything mystical. I guess the search started from then on to find answers to questions that my parents just couldn't answer. I remember from around age six, often waking up in the middle of the night wondering about life and the way that everything changes, nothing stays the same.That one day everyone including me would die, sometimes I would lie there thinking it was all just a dream anyway. Other times I wondered if I was the dreamer or the dream or in somebody else's dream. I couldn't really talk to my family about these things as they already thought I was a bit weird. I just knew that life was more than we could see. It was at this age that I decided I wanted to be a missionary as I had this overwhelming urge to help people who were suffering"
she in her giggled tone,"why are you so lost?
seems like you are gonna lead buddha's life,if there were so many heads like yours the world would definitely have so many buddha's..LOL."
common my lady,we are born to enjoy,keep aside your funny thoughts,don't ponder and wonder,its half the life yet to come, its real fact that we are gonna die one fine day.you should have abandon this life rather lead otherway round life, how did you come so far into job life?
"In the meantime samsara beckoned with lots of karmic entanglements and desires and I was hurtled into this job life.Samsara beckoned strongly and pulled me back into its desire ridden river of misery.
A seed was planted, however, that ripened years later with a passing comment from my relatives,you should enter job life and help your siblings,parent",i said.
she said,Oh my goodness,"as if spiritual has every answers for your doubts?funny thing ever heard from you,think wise,its not always a way to practice being in monastic life,One can practice dharma being lay life,you need not have shave your head and don a red robe".
"yes,i am funny and weird since young days,if dharma could be practiced as a lay life,why did buddha abandon his royal and luxurious life who at that time was having comfortable life,moreover he was a prince yet he thought it wasn't the way to achieve the true realisation,"
"yeah dear,but you are not buddha, if everyone wants to be in your shoe,definitely the world would be in poverty,there won't be anyone to offer the one who practices dharma,what do you think?".
i said,"i am neither buddha nor copying his way,just a bit of same feelings that keeps arising and makes me feel incomplete,but do you have same feelings like mine?do you have any interest?rather than comparing to the huge population,ask to yourself,do you have any notion of life after death>if you don't have such belief system,its funny to compare a small stuffs to a big thing"
In her agony tone said,"better and try to think well,you are the eldest among your families,where everyone expects you to be very successful. even your dad,he has been looking upon you that you would look after your siblings and family matters,don't you have any empathy towards your family?,especially your dad,who has been with you since the day you were born,has been with you for every obstacles you have had,he has been supporting you and your dreams.
so far who you are and what you have been ,are all cuxs of your dad and you should be very thankful to him perhaps,stop having such a childish and selfish thoughts of leading spiritual.we are half pass 25 years.life is uncertain but at the same time,at the back of our mind,no matter,how spiritual mind we may posses,we still think we would live another day,don't you think?"
"Am i asking too much?
suppose,you want something and if that something doesn't come to your desired place,would you feel complete?i am not selfish actually.so far, i was here,hadn't i thought of my family matters i would have already abandon the life since the day there was green signal but i have awaited till here,wanted to relinquish this feelings of 50.50 life style,yet the ddream keeps me firmer day by day,rather it keeps me alive.
trying to fit into the circle of society,hoping for good things to happen everytime,visualising evrytime good things would happen but when good things doesn't hapen the way we visualise,it is not easy,fortunes come and goes,the whole business that has been set up for life time keeps twindling,high salary job and bank full of money,we marry with the one we love and bore a child from the loved one,we think marriage,children,land as security at the end of the retirement life yet at the end of the day,we still die empty hand,we have no assurance that our own blood children would treat us well the way we treated them when they were young and innocent.
heard so many stories of family problems,children being disobeyed to their parents makes me feel insane"
Her response was like rushing river downwards the valley,"seriously i feel its your one-sided story,go on and live a reality,experience it,until and unless one live the reality and we will get to know the real tastes of human life,you would never know enjoyable it is and make a let go life,find your soul mate,"
i told,"as if my life is millennium,we can not learn everything from our own experience,life is short."
she nodded,emae,life is short and keep it to yourself.....
By the time,i realised that i had to go home early.